My new jam

Listen up!

I wrote this poem a long time ago.

I found it more than appropriate to put up a poem I wrote about 4 years ago in conjunction with a poem I wrote today. The poem posted below this post (You Swear like you Know) was written at an age where I was ready to release the anger & hurt that my upbringing in a single parent household had formed. The poem may sound hurtful to those that may not understand, when really, my intentions were to make peace  with my mother. I have made that peace & have regain that trust with her. We've come a long way, to the point that I can be miles away, working for & participating in a lifestyle choice that I made for myself, with her full support. We have come a long way. To the point where I feel that my words matter & I have no fear or shame in speaking up for myself. Thank you madre*, for being patient with me & for your continued love. I hope you read this, and everything else I write on this page. I am your daughter and I am proud to be part of you, for always.  * madre = mother in Spanish.

We have come a long way



I was born in the summer before the sun was yet to rise.
They held me in they're arms before I could open my eyes.

The years went by before my mother & I
could really look eye to eye & realize,
that there was more to me, more to she
Where we became a we,
so that we can be,
mother and daughter,
friend & friend,
where we could live together until the end.

She is my source, my beloved, my heart.
Without her, I would not know where to start.

My grandmother, her mother, hurt her too.

It's a vicious cycle that only we hold on to,
one that must end, before our youngest continues the trend.

For now, all we can do is pray, since we have come a long way,
fought in fear and confusion, looked inside & dug deep for a reason,

so that tomorrow &/or the day after
my sister, my mother, grandmother & I can look back in laughter,

& relax on only the times that we shared most dear to our hearts, when we all had a fresh start because

We've all come a long way.

I wrote this poem a long time ago, a really long time ago, ya feel me?!

you swear like you know.

you're unbelieveable you are

walking around like you know whats up

its a shame you dont know the harm you elude

you see and then you believe

but theres more to what you think you know

 

remember memories last a life time

and i have a life time of memories

things so shady so hazy and unclear

that ive concluded to only one thing

and that is for all that you've known me for

from birth to this breath 

you only know what u've seen and what ive allowed

for you to know

 

what hinders inside is just as important

like the rest.

 

retract your steps

retract your moves your words and words unsaid.

its what you didnt do that left me bruised.

 

and yet i pity you and i pity me

because we are one and the same you and i.

 

Because,

 

although we may never really see eye to eye

you are the one who gave me the color to my eyes

and yet we fight and argue for days at a time

you are the strength in my voice and the courage in my fight.

you see, even though we dont ever get along

the love and respect i have for you  lasts everlong.

 

(written for my madre, my mother.)

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for shits & giggles :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai1yagSvUUI&feature=related

& So it's begun...

A month has gone by since I've left on tour as the Multi-Media specialist for Sugar Art and Fashion show. I've been to Texas & am currently in Georgia with the rest of the team. I'm currently writing for various online publications, such as, We Wit it L.A. (www.WeWititLA.com), Sweet Talk (www.sugarartandfashionshow.com,  College Media TV (www.CollegeMediaTv.com, & House of Blah! (www.Dabidnez.com). The mini-webisodes I film & edit while on tour are for Sugar TV, my very first one can be seen here. I manage to still have time to co-produce & promote for [blank] Tuesday, a weekly event at The Airliner every Tuesday night in Los Angeles, CA. 

Right now, my main focus is on fine tuning my commitment to my crafts while discovering what it truly means to love and respect mind, body, & soul. I am ready, so, bring it on. 

Last night's dream

I've been glued to the computer editing video after video, taking breaks here & there to read a book I found over 5 years ago at "Out of the Closet" thrift store. The title of the book is "The Handbook to Higher Consciousness"written by Ken Keyes Jr. The book is extremely interested & powerful. It requires me as the reader to separate my addictions (whatever makes me unhappy) & in the words of Paul McCartney "Let it be". My biggest fear is rejection. I grew up in a single parent household, where my mother was the bread winner & the care giver. She was hardly ever home & always had a new boy friend when the last didn't work out. As a teen, I started dating & lost my virginity at 15, something that to this day, I am not proud nor shameful about. I had become a mirror of my mother, seeking for love in others, whether it be boyfriends, my gal pals or through teachers & mentors. Since the age of 15, I've been in 4 relationships that lasted more than 2 years each. Now at the age of 24, I find myself single, as I had to step away from a relationship that on the outside seemed perfect while the truth of the matter was I was unhappy because I knew/know I have unsettled feelings, mixed emotions & am insecure about my self-worth.

My dream last night was about meeting someone named "You" who was, what seemed to be, the love of my life.

When I woke up this morning, all I could do was laugh.  The face of man did not stick with me since I am aware that I had been glued to the computer editing long enough that one of the images I had seen early could have seeped into my dream.

What mattered most to me was the name, the message I was receiving in my subconscious dream state. The love of me life is "you"who, I interpreted to be "me".

Because I still keep in touch with my most recent ex, get out of the blue text messages from a long time crush, meet interesting & fascinating gentlemen while on tour, it's easy to get caught up in my head.

So today, I am freeing myself from those strings of attachment. I am more focused on my well being, my state of mind, & most importantly my career. Today was yesterday's tomorrow, & I plan to make it a good one.  Thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave comments or questions. Much love & much respect, Linda V. Tovar

My Fashion Gypsy Quest

Monday March 27th marked the 2 week anniversary of my departure from Pasadena, California. My fashion gypsy expedition with the Sugar Art & Fashion show has completed it's Austin destination. The Sugar team has been intensely fun & at times over the top, but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.  The fashion show was Friday the 23rd of March at The Elysium on Red River St. in Downtown Austin. It was amazing. We made it safely to Atlanta, Georgia last Tuesday, after experiencing a delay in Eutaw, Alabama.  I've been pondering of the course of these past 3 weeks, what my mission was during this tour. Aside from my duties & responsibilities with SUGAR, I know that I have something to prove & show the world. When I first started in the fashion industry, I was blown away by how many people are actually involved in the scene. I was overwhelmed, unsure, & most of all scared that I was not good enough. The only way to know for sure was to dive into what is now my fashion gypsy quest. It's been tough, it's been exciting, but most of all, it's all been love. Love for the people & place I meet, Love for my designs & myself, & a Love for life, for none of this would be possible. I am excited to see how my designs evolve while on tour. I have many ideas just waiting to be sewn together. I am always thankful to you stopping by. Let's start a conversation.